Erik. Only Erik. (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
erikdelaopera) wrote2014-10-18 08:55 pm
erikdelaopera) wrote2014-10-18 08:55 pm
Entry tags:
Truths
"That is not a truth for you to know."
"If! Every! Time! That! You! Say! That! I could take back some shameful confession that I freely gave to you under false pretenses then I WOULD. As! That! Is! Not! Possible! I demand that you consider the position you put me in! If you remain some enigma of untold mystery while reading m own self like a book, I cannot but fear and hate you.
"Since you love me--or say you do--you must wish to change that.
"You must trust me.
"Tell me.
"Tell me your most regretful action. Tell me your most shameful, wrong moment--that which you are most embarrassed of, most afraid to admit that is real. Tell me the truth that you barely dare tell yourself. Describe to me that moment. ....you're thinking of it now... I can see the look in your eyes! Give me every detail. Relive the moment and tell me everything. Then you have some idea what it is like to be me. Don't try to think of a different moment! You had one! Yes. That one.
"Tell me. Your deepest shame. Your darkest secret."
(long pause)
"You will wish me dead."
"I am headed perilously close to that anyway. Tell it to me. You owe it to me."
(long pause)
"What Erik tells you now is an entire truth. Erik is not leaving out any fragment for you to be concerned over or cause you worry. Erik is well aware of the sacred space he so carelessly stumbled into... and then so mercilessly stole."
"I am listening."
"It was an odd hour. Erik was mending something or other on the counterweight to your mirror. He hadn't expected you in for several hours. But then suddenly there you were. You made your way into the room almost as though you were afraid of being followed. You had a phonograph record in your hands. You turned the gas up a little to find the phonograph. And to turn the crank. And to set the record and the needle. Erik watched you with tenderness and curiosity as you locked the door behind you and lowered the lamps."
"My god."
"The Phonograph played Dvorak's Allegro con fuoco. ."
"No. Stop. You cruel thing."
"Wait."
"No. Oh god no. You were not to turn this back to me. You were not to humiliate me further. You were not to use my words to condemn me. My God..... my God oh my god. Please oh god."
"Christine I assure you that this confession is mine."
"I was a good girl"
"This is not about you. You are still a good girl."
"I'm going to die."
"No. Live. Listen to me.
"Erik was intrigued by the music and by you. Your reaction to the reaches of the music was absolutely enthralling. Erik felt compelled to join your dance as you spun on your toes and raised your arms. Barely visible in the lowest of gas light, you sat on the chaise lounge."
"It took Erik a little while to piece together what was happening to you."
"no"
"Once Erik realized, he was struck cold and hot all at once. No longer able to move, he was struck with the truth of the sanctuary that he had trespassed upon. Erik thought he was going to die, right then and there.
"But then the music. But then the music roared 'taw ta ta tatatata, Da dadatata Duh da' and Erik breathed again. The music flowed to his ears and he saw for a moment the way that the universe looked through the eyes of his beloved. Life was fresh and good. Power was filling the room with possibility. Erik had been dancing with you and it had been possible through music. Erik listened and heard and felt life. So alive looking into Christine's beautiful face. It was impossibly dark. Erik could not leave. Please believe, his first thoughts were of flight. Scenes such as this are not a pastime of Erik's. It took several moments for him to even realize. But realization and the music appeared together, like an audible inspiration, as though Christine herself was a piece of music, floating in the room. Erik kneeled before the mirror. The pressure and heat were unbearable. The March paraded on, heedless of our quiet pleadings for mercy. We were victims of the music.
"We climaxed together, you and I.
"The music washed over us both, triumphant and energetic in ways that Erik never dreamed he would ever capture. But in mere moments the magic began to fade. Your breathing slowed and deepened. Erik began to believe that you were asleep. He, too, unable to face any reality away from that window into paradise, curled down by the mirror and gazed deeply into your precious face until the record ended. The needle riding its merry way around & around the record."
"There is no deeper shame that Erik owns then of that moment. On the other hand, there is no greater joy he has ever experienced. Erik swore to take this delicate secret to his grave, knowing that it was never a space meant for him. After that day, he stayed far away from the mirror, the fear and horror of encountering such a miracle a second time making him delirious. Erik only returned to the mirror when Christine was expecting him there. And even then he took much more care to allow for space. He sang aloud on the way to lessons, he made sure you were well out of the building before continuing any work on the dressing room. As he continued to work on your room, he was careful to allow it sanctuaries where Erik could not ever cross. Never again would he tamper with such hallowed space.
"Erik knows that this adventure was never meant for him. But perhaps Christine can see that whatever part Erik had in it belongs entirely to her."
"Your purity is untouched, I swear to you. It was absolutely an accident that made Erik find you. And nothing short of a miracle that compelled Erik stay,"
"Erik tells you this that you may know the depths to which Erik has stolen from you. That you may find him the worst kind of scoundrel. That you may commit him to death now if it be your wish. He will die happy having touched this ecstasy--stolen or discovered. This unearned grace."
"What did you see."
"Christine I swear Erik only saw your face. It was impossibly dark and Erik only saw your face.
"Erik did say that you would wish him dead. Erik is the most wretched of men."
"I want to die."
"No, my child. Please have no shame in this moment. The shame is entirely mine. It is Erik's shame."
"What can I do with this? I ask you to make yourself vulnerable to me and you instead display just how deeply I have already been violated. How can I go on saying that I am a good girl when I know in my heart what has happened? How can I ever feel alone again? You tell me how I can feel safe."
"I don't know.
"Oh please don't cry. Be angry with Erik, abuse him, strike him but I beg you not to weep."
"How can I prove to you that this is on Erik's shoulders alone?"
"How can I ever give this back to you? Yes, its true, we were both powerless before this music, but to me it was known. You were in your sanctum where no man can enter, proving that Erik is more fantome than man. More wretched than a dog."
"Powerlessness.
"How can I return to you your faith? How can I give you back your confidence?
<<Banat Banat haiduks
"If! Every! Time! That! You! Say! That! I could take back some shameful confession that I freely gave to you under false pretenses then I WOULD. As! That! Is! Not! Possible! I demand that you consider the position you put me in! If you remain some enigma of untold mystery while reading m own self like a book, I cannot but fear and hate you.
"Since you love me--or say you do--you must wish to change that.
"You must trust me.
"Tell me.
"Tell me your most regretful action. Tell me your most shameful, wrong moment--that which you are most embarrassed of, most afraid to admit that is real. Tell me the truth that you barely dare tell yourself. Describe to me that moment. ....you're thinking of it now... I can see the look in your eyes! Give me every detail. Relive the moment and tell me everything. Then you have some idea what it is like to be me. Don't try to think of a different moment! You had one! Yes. That one.
"Tell me. Your deepest shame. Your darkest secret."
(long pause)
"You will wish me dead."
"I am headed perilously close to that anyway. Tell it to me. You owe it to me."
(long pause)
"What Erik tells you now is an entire truth. Erik is not leaving out any fragment for you to be concerned over or cause you worry. Erik is well aware of the sacred space he so carelessly stumbled into... and then so mercilessly stole."
"I am listening."
"It was an odd hour. Erik was mending something or other on the counterweight to your mirror. He hadn't expected you in for several hours. But then suddenly there you were. You made your way into the room almost as though you were afraid of being followed. You had a phonograph record in your hands. You turned the gas up a little to find the phonograph. And to turn the crank. And to set the record and the needle. Erik watched you with tenderness and curiosity as you locked the door behind you and lowered the lamps."
"My god."
"The Phonograph played Dvorak's Allegro con fuoco. ."
"No. Stop. You cruel thing."
"Wait."
"No. Oh god no. You were not to turn this back to me. You were not to humiliate me further. You were not to use my words to condemn me. My God..... my God oh my god. Please oh god."
"Christine I assure you that this confession is mine."
"I was a good girl"
"This is not about you. You are still a good girl."
"I'm going to die."
"No. Live. Listen to me.
"Erik was intrigued by the music and by you. Your reaction to the reaches of the music was absolutely enthralling. Erik felt compelled to join your dance as you spun on your toes and raised your arms. Barely visible in the lowest of gas light, you sat on the chaise lounge."
"It took Erik a little while to piece together what was happening to you."
"no"
"Once Erik realized, he was struck cold and hot all at once. No longer able to move, he was struck with the truth of the sanctuary that he had trespassed upon. Erik thought he was going to die, right then and there.
"But then the music. But then the music roared 'taw ta ta tatatata, Da dadatata Duh da' and Erik breathed again. The music flowed to his ears and he saw for a moment the way that the universe looked through the eyes of his beloved. Life was fresh and good. Power was filling the room with possibility. Erik had been dancing with you and it had been possible through music. Erik listened and heard and felt life. So alive looking into Christine's beautiful face. It was impossibly dark. Erik could not leave. Please believe, his first thoughts were of flight. Scenes such as this are not a pastime of Erik's. It took several moments for him to even realize. But realization and the music appeared together, like an audible inspiration, as though Christine herself was a piece of music, floating in the room. Erik kneeled before the mirror. The pressure and heat were unbearable. The March paraded on, heedless of our quiet pleadings for mercy. We were victims of the music.
"We climaxed together, you and I.
"The music washed over us both, triumphant and energetic in ways that Erik never dreamed he would ever capture. But in mere moments the magic began to fade. Your breathing slowed and deepened. Erik began to believe that you were asleep. He, too, unable to face any reality away from that window into paradise, curled down by the mirror and gazed deeply into your precious face until the record ended. The needle riding its merry way around & around the record."
"There is no deeper shame that Erik owns then of that moment. On the other hand, there is no greater joy he has ever experienced. Erik swore to take this delicate secret to his grave, knowing that it was never a space meant for him. After that day, he stayed far away from the mirror, the fear and horror of encountering such a miracle a second time making him delirious. Erik only returned to the mirror when Christine was expecting him there. And even then he took much more care to allow for space. He sang aloud on the way to lessons, he made sure you were well out of the building before continuing any work on the dressing room. As he continued to work on your room, he was careful to allow it sanctuaries where Erik could not ever cross. Never again would he tamper with such hallowed space.
"Erik knows that this adventure was never meant for him. But perhaps Christine can see that whatever part Erik had in it belongs entirely to her."
"Your purity is untouched, I swear to you. It was absolutely an accident that made Erik find you. And nothing short of a miracle that compelled Erik stay,"
"Erik tells you this that you may know the depths to which Erik has stolen from you. That you may find him the worst kind of scoundrel. That you may commit him to death now if it be your wish. He will die happy having touched this ecstasy--stolen or discovered. This unearned grace."
"What did you see."
"Christine I swear Erik only saw your face. It was impossibly dark and Erik only saw your face.
"Erik did say that you would wish him dead. Erik is the most wretched of men."
"I want to die."
"No, my child. Please have no shame in this moment. The shame is entirely mine. It is Erik's shame."
"What can I do with this? I ask you to make yourself vulnerable to me and you instead display just how deeply I have already been violated. How can I go on saying that I am a good girl when I know in my heart what has happened? How can I ever feel alone again? You tell me how I can feel safe."
"I don't know.
"Oh please don't cry. Be angry with Erik, abuse him, strike him but I beg you not to weep."
"How can I prove to you that this is on Erik's shoulders alone?"
"How can I ever give this back to you? Yes, its true, we were both powerless before this music, but to me it was known. You were in your sanctum where no man can enter, proving that Erik is more fantome than man. More wretched than a dog."
"Powerlessness.
"How can I return to you your faith? How can I give you back your confidence?
<<Banat Banat haiduks